Sunday, October 27, 2013

Celebrities With STDs

Jessica Alba
Jessica AlbaJessica Alba is beautiful, there is no denying this one. Apparently, Jessica's disease was given to her by Derek Jeter. Cash Warren used to run out and refill her prescription of Valtrex on a regular basis. Yes, herpes. Using the STD rating system which accounts for severity of disease, likelyhood of infection, wealth and looks (see Figure-8 below the list) Jessica is the most desirable disease riddled starlet.
Kristanna Loken
Kristanna LokenKristanna Loken is a converted fashion model, so the less she speaks, the better she is at acting, so they say. She has stated that she has had sex with both men and women and feel that women have been more fulfilling to her emotionally and sexually. It has been said that she has herpes. Reportedly Kritanna passed the gift that keeps giving it to her boyfriend, Justin Whalin. Her most memorable role was as the female terminator in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.
Michael Vick
Michael VickA retired NBA player, in 1991 following an announcement that he had contracted HIV, Magic Johnson became an entrepreneur. He claims in a book that he's slept with over 20,000 women prior to settling down with his wife Cookie Johnson. He is the CEO of Magic Johnson Enterprises. Estimated Net Worth: $700 million
Paris Hilton
Paris HiltonParis neglected to pay off her bills for a storage unit and her belongings were auctioned off. Thanks once again to that storage locker which held more secrets than the chest in Raiders of the Lost Ark, a medical record/prescription info insert emerged for a drug called Valtrex, which is used to treat outbreaks of genital herpes. The troubled celebutante, sort of actress, sort of singer was formerlly a professional heiress was but written out of the will for her crazy antics. That cost her more than fifty million dollars and at least two spots on this list.
David Hasselhoff
David HasselhoffIt was a twilight era when many STDs and rampant stupidity were on the rise. This is to say that if you were a celebrity 30 years ago, you have something. That includes the David Hasselhoff, who has genital herpes. Now that all your Baywatch fantasies have been ruined maybe you can leave that terrible decade. Except for Germany, who, for all we know, probably likes Hasselhoff even more after learning this.
Alyssa Milano
Alyssa MilanoHer career has tapered off since two succesful TV shows (Charmed and Who’s The Boss) and her career is mostly limited to B Movies and the Sci-Fi Channel.
She is sweet, loves sports and visits the troops so with her good looks you could probably put up with the odd flare up.
Evel Knievel
Evel KnievelEvel Knievel is a perfect emblem of ballsy Americanism: punching the Grim Reaper in the testicles while giving God the finger. As part of their ongoing duel, the gods struck Evel Knievel with hepatitis C (presumably through a tryst with a skanky waitress – or possibly a blood transfusion). Evel reportedly shotgunned a beer, took a long drag off his cigarette, said "Let's Do This" and enlisted mankind's secret god-killing weapon: modern science.
Janet Jackson
Janet JacksonJanet Jackson had a list of her perscriptons leaked online. Here is a link from smoking gun with her actual perscription for Zovirax (an antiviral drug, a synthetic nucleoside analogue, that is active against the herpes viruses,)
She has the highest wealth on the list but looks too much like her child fondling brother Michael to score too high on this list. Besides at 42 she is one of the oldest on this list and is prone to massive (Oprah-esque) weight gains.
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